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"All Canvases On Sale"




There's a bridge I drive over every time I visit the beach that provides the most beautiful view of the Indian River (I'm sure my local friends know of it). Each time I look at the calm and peaceful water with boats floating slowly across its surface, in my head I strike up the same conversation with myself. It's amazing to me how calm it looks from my view, but I know that underneath it is a crazy, nonstop flow of traffic and confusion-- each fish pushing through other schools and different species of marine animals.

It didn't occur to me until today after leaving the grocery store that human characteristics are very similar to the surface of the water. Although on the outside we look composed (unless we're yearning for a coffee at 8AM on a Monday morning, which is not so composed looking) and beautiful in the eyes of an onlooker, underneath our minds are going in a million different directions, pushing through various thoughts and scenarios.

As I pulled out of the grocery store parking lot, across the street I saw a sign out front of Sam Flax Art and Design store that read, "All canvases on sale." Well, I love to paint, but haven't bought myself a canvas in months. I had an entire conversation in my head, an argument actually, about how I never buy myself anything. I have such a difficult time when it comes to doing anything for myself, when I'm perfectly capable of doing them. Now, if it were the difference of me buying or doing something for someone else, I would do it gladly without any hesitation. I then started to get angry with myself, all the while contributing to this full on conversation as if I were actually talking to another person. I was angry that I don't do more for me, because after all, I'm the one who puts up with my shit; I'm the one who has to listen to all the chatter. I know myself better than anyone and I know what situations provoke which emotions. Although my friends know me very well, they don't hear my thoughts. And although your best friend, wife, husband, mom, dad, etc knows you like the back of their hand, they're not with you 24 hours, 7 days a week. All we see of other people is their physical and what they choose to share with us; we don't see/hear the nonstop discussions.

That was only the sum of the conversation. So you see that we all have ongoing chats (often debates) with ourselves, but one would never know by just looking at our surface. The chatting finally came to an end when I decided that I need to be more confident in myself and give Leah what she needs also. Because after all, I'm always there for me; and by doing that, I think I deserve a reward every once in a while, because I sure beat myself up sometimes. It's kind of ironic how much we take ourselves for granted, because realistically, we're always by our side. You're there for yourself through everything; every relationship, job, expeditions-- you'll always have you. And YOU are one of a kind.. That's a great feeling.

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