Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

It's very soothing to encounter the truth within someone else, especially when the truth is raw. It brings us closer as a collective group when we're openly honest about our fears, doubts, insecurities, quirks, and so on. Even if you feel like it's a small voice of truth you are speaking, it still reaches your soul. And with that, you've already began to make a difference. I used to believe that my small acts of honesty and courage didn't make much of a dent in the universe. But as my eyes become more open to what's happening in our world, I truly believe that the small piece of me is lingering in the distances I've traveled. It's the vibration you send off, the energy, that carries through the brigade. It feels good to step into that vibration. I think you should. 

Things I'm afraid to tell you - inspired by Creature Comforts

 1. When approaching a traffic light, I feel that if I don’t look directly at it, it won’t turn red. Instead I act coy with an “I don’t give a damn,” attitude. I’d say it has a 53% success rate. I have a difficult time accepting a red light, being that I’m usually always late.

2.  Nothing in my life happens in a constructive, proper sequence like I’d hope. Whether it be a life lesson or an instruction manual, I somehow always learn backwards. Maybe it’s my inability to not complicate things, but I’m learning to embrace it. It’s been very challenging, however pretty exhilarating as I’ve gotten older and figured out my mind’s master plan.
 

3. I trip and drop things all the time. I’m very clumsy, and the more I try to correct it, the more it worsens. I’m a little loopy sometimes – an avid daydreamer, so as a kid I was bullied for either being strange or shy. With the daydreams unfortunately, comes the analytical.
 

4. I over analyze almost every major situation – sometimes even minuscule scenarios. If I don’t consistently keep myself busy, or meditate regularly, I will literally drive myself insane. Like, pull my hair out, create my own alien language, strap me to a one way flight to crazyville, insane.
 

5. No one gets under my skin or drives me crazier than my boyfriend, Branden. Since day one we have butted heads, disagreed until our faces were red, resisted love, and downright drove each other into the ground. But I have never known a love more unconditional, more passionate, with more continued growth (on both ends) than what we’ve experienced together. It took a little over a year for us to finally hold up the white flag and tear down the concrete wall, to admit that we were exactly where we needed to be. In every unconventional way possible, we laid it all on the table, sometimes unwillingly, and we discovered not only our purpose as a couple, but as individuals as well. As a previously very independent, one foot in/one foot out person, it wasn't easy to accept that he was my rock. He is and will always be the solid and sturdy rock in my life. 
 

6. Sometimes I get really down on myself, like I haven't done enough in the world. A gypsy soul, it's not easy for me to adjust to structured living - I have to live from the heart or I will fall into a slump. I've tried to conform, but I need a purpose in life or I'll become a zombie. Monotony is my worst enemy; I need constant change and challenges. With that, I can be very indecisive. I'm still figuring out my middle ground. 

7. I cry. I'm very much a crier. To be honest, I cry so much that my boyfriend and friends laugh at me most of the time. I cry if I accidently step on a bug, during a pampers commercial, when someone says something touching, when I feel threatened.. I cry. Now, going in the exact opposite direction, I laugh when I'm hurt - physical and emotional. Pretty strange, huh?
 

8. Major happenings don't effect me immediately. It sometimes takes months, even years for me to feel the repercussions. It's like a shade gets pulled over my brain and I just continue through my day. I'm starting to believe it's a coping mechanism for growing up such an emotional individual. I shield myself in false positivity, hoping it'll all just one day, "go away". Yes, it worries me, and it worries those close to me. Honesty with myself has helped, which is why I'm such an advocate to openness and truth.
 

9. It took me years to really feel, grieve, and truly accept my father's death. I never talked about it. Not even immediately after it happened. When people asked about it, I just shut them out. I didn't see the harm in that at the time, so I just went on living like nothing ever occurred. There would be small break downs when I'd realize my routines were different in that I couldn't just call him, or come home to him. I was 18 and thought I was old enough, strong enough to deal with it. Now I'm in my mid 20's and trying to put the pieces I'd hid away for so long, back together. It's caused a lot of psychological damage. And I try to express that to anyone going through similar situations. It's okay to feel sad and depressed - it doesn't mean you're not strong. 
 

10. To be honest, I could write 10 more things I've been afraid to share with others. But I'd like to end with - I'm afraid that my children will never know global honesty, and will see more hate in the world than love. I'm afraid that we've gone too far as a civilization to remember what it's like to love each person we meet, for all of their faults and mistakes. I'm afraid that the world is too advanced to remember the beauty in simplicity. I can only hope that with each small act, we can take a step toward honesty, forgiveness, love, and understanding. Take the time to be open and share your fears - I'll stand behind you.